Stop Shoulding Yourself – It’s Detrimental For Your Mental Health

Are you busy shoulding yourself all the time? You, among many of us, probably are. It is time to make “shoulding” a thing of the past and prioritize our mental health and needs.

If you’re anything like me, I should myself all the time. I should my emotions, everyday tasks. even my own mental health. For many, we should on ourselves, others, and our relationships. Ultimately, we are shoulding everywhere all the time and you may not even realize it. Good news, I am here to help you to take the first steps to stop shoulding yourself and grow a healthy relationship with yourself, your goals, and your boundaries.

What am I talking about?

All jokes aside, what I am talking about is comparing tasks/looks/ideas/feelings to what is actually your reality and slapping the word “should” on it.

For example:

• I should stay late and work more
• I should clean the house
• I should work out
• I should lose weight
• I should dress this way
• I should feel happy

Why is this a problem?

Shoulding ourselves is detrimental to our mental health. By using “should”, we are activating our inner critic and letting it wreak havoc on our expectations. We often are comparing to an unrealistic or unachievable standard.

Here are a few reasons why you need to stop shoulding yourself:

• Creates negativity – saying you “should” something means that you are already putting down your current situation. For example: I should look like this person – means you are not accepting how you look now and your uniqueness. I should get those chores done – means you are probably not accepting the rest you actually need or managing your time to allow a balance between work and rest.
• Gets in the way of accomplishing goals – You won’t accomplish anything if you feel like you can’t. “Shoulds” often start at a place of below expectations, not good enough, or less than. This makes our goal much harder to obtain when we feeling we are starting from a place of negativity. 
• Creates anxiety and stress – pressures you to feel as though what you really need is not good enough and adds a heavy weight of always needing to be doing something else or feeling a certain way.
• Sets unrealistic standards – “should” often derives from a belief that’s rooted in society or an unfair standard you’ve created yourself. These often do not accurately reflect what we need or feel but for some reason we give so much power to. 

How do we change our behaviors?

First thing is first, we must acknowledge the problem. Try to pay attention and take note how often you say you should.

When you catch yourself using it, try and ask yourself some questions to get to the root. Is this statement positive or negative? What feelings are behind it? Is it something that may be beneficial to you? Is there a goal you can set to make things more manageable?

Once you’ve answered these questions and gained some insight, rephrase your statement. Drop the “should” and acknowledge the place and feelings you are currently at and allow your new statement to match your actual needs.

For example:

Statement: I should do chores and clean the house

• Positive or Negative: Negative statement (what I am currently doing is “not enough”)
• Feelings: The reason I haven’t yet done chores and cleaned the house is because I am tired and have been busy with work.
• Beneficial: Doing chores and cleaning the house may be beneficial by having a clean space and to-do tasks complete however rest/down time, and a decent bedtime may be more beneficial to meeting my current needs
• Small Goal: I can set a small goal to make things more manageable and break up the work to allow rest and sleep into my schedule.

New Statement: I am going to do one small chore OR allow for 15-20 mins to work on cleaning something. Once that time is complete, I will allow myself to rest on the couch and allow my mind to relax before I go to bed at a decent time to allow myself a full night’s sleep.

Doing something like this can add a lot of positivity to your mindset. Most situations are not all or nothing and by setting small goals for yourself you can still accomplish your to-do’s without weighing yourself down with negativity. By doing so, you are taking care of your mental health and creating positive self-care goals and behaviors. Remember that it is ok to not do something, or do it differently, in order to meet your needs. Respect your mental health and listen to the natural boundaries your body needs.

The more you practice changing your “shoulds” to reasonable goals, you will find it becomes much easier to respect and grow your healthy relationship with mental health. Eventually, shoulding yourself will become a thing of the past and you will be much better off for it. Start small, and remember, I love you and you should love you too.